One wedding-related fear many people have is the prospect of a drunk guest grabbing the mic and, through slurred words, asking everyone to take their seats so they can just “say a couple of words,” tripping over the bandleader’s foot in the process and yelling, “Hey, man, watch where you’re going!” before launching into a rambling, incoherent speech about how they and the bride were supposed to be together before the groom came along and stole her. Presumably fewer, if any, have ever worried about a former president of the United States wandering into their reception and giving a toast that involves ranting about how the election was stolen from him, in addition to some incomprehensible thoughts on the situation at the border and how he could have made a beautiful deal with the Iranian government the likes of which the world had never seen. Until now! Moving forward, people will likely have the possibility in the back of their heads that an uninvited Donald Trump might approach the dance floor while everyone is eating their salads to complain about no longer being president, or at least the ones who choose to host their affairs at his Palm Beach resort will.
Yes, according to video footage, on Saturday night, Trump made his way into a wedding reception being held at Mar-a-Lago and gave a toast that was less about the happy couple than it was about the ways he’s been wronged recently and why Joe Biden is doing a shitty job.
“Y’know, I just got, I turned off the news, I get all these flash reports, and they’re telling me about the border, they’re telling me about China, they’re telling me about Iran—how’re we doing with Iran, howdya like that,” he asked the guests. “Boy, they were ready to make a deal, they woulda done anything, they woulda done anything, and this guy goes and drops the sanctions and then he says, ‘We’d love to negotiate now,’ [and Iran says], ‘We’re not dealing with the United States at all,’ oh, well, they don’t want to deal with us,” he said.
“And China, the same thing, they never treated us that way, right? You saw what happened a few days ago, was terrible, and uh, the border is not good, the border is the worst anybody’s ever seen it, and what you see now, multiply it times 10, Jim—he’s the only one I know who would handle the border tougher than me.” (Note: It remains unclear which “Jim” Trump was referring to.)
“We have to, and the tough is…in the most humanitarian way, because that’s what it is. What’s happening to the kids, they’re living in squalor, they are living like nobody has ever seen anybody, there’s never been anything like what’s, and you’re gonna have hundreds, and you have it now, they have the airplane photos, the shocks, and they call ’em shocks, and these things are showing thousands and thousands of people coming up from South America and it’s gonna be, it’s just uh, look, it’s a disaster. It’s a humanitarian disaster from their standpoint, and it’s gonna destroy the country, and frankly, the country can’t afford it because you’re talking about massive, just incredibly massive amounts. Our school systems, our hospital systems, everything.”
Elsewhere, the ex-president made it clear that he still doesn‘t know how elections work. “So it’s a rough thing, and I just say, ‘Do you miss me yet?’” he asked. “We did get 75 million votes, nobody’s ever gotten that. They said, ‘Get 66 million votes, sir, and the election’s over.’ We got 75 million and they said…but you know, you saw what happened, 10:30 in the evening, all of a sudden I said, ‘That’s a strange thing, why are they closing up certain places, right?’ Now, a lot of things happening right now, I just wanted to say, it’s an honor to be here, it’s an honor to have you at Mar-a-Lago, you are a great and beautiful couple.” He added, in a line reminiscent of his goodbye speech on January 20, “have fun.”
Anyway, given his history of rambling, incoherent speeches it‘s not at all surprising that Trump interrupted the couple’s happy day to talk about himself, though it is surprising his remarks did not include an extended aside on how he gave the bride’s father a great deal on the venue and/or his thoughts on the bridesmaids. (“Lotta 7s, 8s here. No 10s, but that’s okay not everyone can be Ivanka. Okay, enjoy the shrimp. You couldn’t get shellfish like this anywhere else. I should’ve charged more for it, our director of events said ‘Mr. President, you’re practically giving these shrimps away for free, it’s criminal.’ But that’s just the kind of guy I am. The maid of honor knows what I’m talking about don’t you sweetheart. Okay everyone, you’re welcome.”)
More Great Stories From Vanity Fair
— Andrew Cuomo’s Biographer on the Governor’s Brutish History
— How Officials in Trump’s White House Scrambled to Score COVID-19 Vaccinations
— A Private Jet of Rich Trumpers Wanted to “Stop the Steal”
— Donald Trump Is Drowning in Criminal Investigations and Legally Screwed
— The Wave of Anti-Asian Hate Could Last Beyond the Pandemic
— Could Brett Kavanaugh Be Booted From the Supreme Court?
— Leak of Bombshell CBS Investigation Led to Multimillion-Dollar Settlement
— From the Archive: The Day Before Tragedy
— Serena Williams, Michael B. Jordan, Gal Gadot, and more are coming to your favorite screen April 13–15. Get your tickets to Vanity Fair’s Cocktail Hour, Live! here.
