Dear Amy: In March of 2020, right before the pandemic hit, I got married.
I was considered a Bridezilla (I disagree); I was just very set on planning my own wedding with my husband, and we didn’t want or take others’ suggestions.
I have seen my own family and friends settle for what those around them wanted instead of what they wanted.
As I was planning my wedding, my two best friends since junior high school made it very clear what I should or shouldn’t do.
I was very clear with them that my husband and I were planning our wedding together, without any other input, although as we were planning, I would offer certain information about what we were planning.
The day of wedding, it was a mess. My wedding planner never showed up (there is more to that, but that’s another story).
I was told that as the reception was going on, both of my friends were upset at me for not making either of them my maid of honor.
They decided that it was OK to talk smack about me – with family and friends around who could overhear them.
I’m over the friendship with them both.
At this point, my question is should I pursue a friendship with them, or should I just let a 25-year friendship go?
It’s been over a year and I have only talked to one and she’s just using me to vent about what’s going on in her life. I want to just end it, but I miss the relationship we had with each other.
What should I do?
– Anonymous Ex-friend
Dear Anonymous: First, a wedding pro-tip: If you want to plan your wedding privately and don’t want people to chime in on your plans (a reasonable goal), then don’t discuss your plans.
Next, an observation: I am surprised (and yet, not-at-all-surprised) that, having experienced a global pandemic that has exposed all of us to actual life-and-death decisions regarding relationships you are still replaying, reviewing, and relitigating your disappointment from last year.
If you want to try to move your junior high relationships into the adult realm, then you should start by behaving like a thoughtful, considerate, authentic adult.
If it’s true that these friends were trashing you at your wedding reception, then you should assume that they don’t necessarily wish you well. You have spoken to one friend over the last year but don’t seem to have expressed your disappointment in her behavior. Would an explanation or apology help? If so, be brave enough to ask for it.
I’ve seen variations of this quote floating around on the internet: “Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
If these friends were in your life for a season, then you should understand that the seasons have changed, and it’s time to move on.
Dear Amy: I live with roommates, “Jeff” and “Beth.” They are a couple.
My friend “Dan” is engaged to “Nan.” Dan has been continually asking to come over to my house for a barbecue and to hang out.
I’m not against the idea, but my roommate Jeff hits on women all the time, especially voluptuous ones. Nan is just his type.
Sure enough, if I do go through with the invite and have them over, Jeff will continuously hit on her until one of two things ends up happening: Nan will either fall for his charm and end up having an affair and/or sleeping with him, or she’ll be disgusted and mad at me for having them over.
Either way, I see NOTHING GOOD coming out of this on my end.
My question is for you is this: How can I tell Dan that hanging out here is not in his best interests?
Dear Bar-be-qued: You see this as a matter for the menfolk to handle, but, since “Jeff’s” behavior will likely affect “Nan” the most (not to mention poor “Beth”), why don’t you warn her? “My roommate Jeff is a total horndog. He WILL hit on you. If you don’t want to deal with that, maybe we should hang out at your house.”
Dear Amy: I always have to laugh when I hear someone complain that someone walked right by them without saying hello.
It works both ways; did you say hello?
– Puzzled Preschool Teacher
Dear Puzzled: My annual few weeks in New Orleans (where almost every stranger on the street greets with a hearty “hello”) has taught me the value of a joyful greeting.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.